So Much Road to Lay to Waste

Walmart Christmas commercials make me realize there is no hope for humanity.

Hands.

I have ugly hands. They’re not deformed, or structurally unsound in any way. I’ve got long fingers, and short fingernails, as I’m always biting them off. But I hate them. I hate my hands.

I guess it started when I was 8. I was learning violin, and my teacher told me I had bad fingers. I understand now that he meant bad fingers in respect to playing the violin, but I took it as a general statement. I would lie awake and wonder what was so bad about them. What had my hands ever done to me?

I know what they do now, I know what I can do, and I know what I can do with them. It’s my hands I blame when I’m sick of myself, and my vulnerability. “It’s my hands that made me cut,” I still tell myself. Bad hands. Ugly hands. Bad hands. “It’s all their fault. They drew the blade, they slit the skin. Bad hands.”

Bad, bad hands. I suppose it goes for most addictions. Bad hands, making me drink. Drawing that bottle to my lips. Bad hands, making me smoke. Inhaling, and holding in. Bad, bad hands.

My hands got a piece of redemption two years ago. I’m a dancer- ballet, going on 15 years- and my company put on a recital. After it was over, I came down off the stage and this woman and her daughter stopped me. They told me I had the most beautiful hands they had ever seen; “so beautiful, so expressive, so alive,” the mother kept repeating.

My hands are a case study in irony. The ultimate irony, that that which you find ugly, is beautiful.

Pragmatically

My AP Euro teacher told me I had to stop using ‘big words’. It’s not that I don’t use them correctly, it’s just that… hmm, well, let’s see, she didn’t actually have a reason. Something about the number of sylables per line. IT’S NOT A FUCKING HAIKU, ALRIGHT? So, instead of pragmatically, I’m supposed to say ‘in practice’, when pragmatically works much better. I’m also supposed to read my future essays to my 14 year old brother, and if there’s a word he doesn’t understand, I’m supposed to substitute something simpler. Yes, even if it detracts from the paper’s general tone.

 -extreme act of violence including gardening shears and whipped cream-

PRAGMATICALLY PRAGMATICALLY PRAGMATICALLY.

Hard to be soft.

Tough to be tender.

[help i’m alive, metric.]

i did something bad today

overactiveimagination:

but really. what do you expect.

when none of you help me.

well.

when the people. who are supposed to do something.

aren’t doing anything.

when the thing that was supposed to change everything.

changed nothing.

everything is still the same.

and it makes me want to cry. 

because this was supposed to all get better.

but it’s still easy. to lie. to pretend. to continue on.

as if nothing had changed.

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO CHANGE.

“Nothing’s gonna change my world” can go two ways. One, the ‘shameless denial’ way. Two, the “this is never going to change and I hate it” way. Yeah, we’re in the latter. So, cherie, how about you text me and tell me what’s going on? Because I am here to help you =] and to have lightsaber duels with you.

I think too much. I think about you too much. I think about the future too much. I think that’s grounds for insanity.